Sorry Madge, you're now just a tawdry embarrassment: She's a fan. But after sitting through the 53-year-old's lewd, expletive-ridden new show, Jane Fryer is not happy

Madonna sporting Chanel gloves and a gun whilst she performs at Hyde Park

Tuesday night in London’s Hyde Park and an argument is hotting up around me about Madonna’s right breast. ‘Why shouldn’t she get it out if she wants to?’ says Deborah, 52, from Shepperton, Surrey. ‘She’s worked hard to look that good, so why not? It’s just a boob. If mine were that good I’d get them out.
‘And anyway, it’s Madonna — she’s classy and she’s cool so she can do anything.’
‘Cool!? Behave,’ shrieks Jackie, 54, from Staines. ‘She’s not cool. She’s done some brilliant songs and we love her, but she’s 53 for goodness sake. FIFTY-THREE!’
‘Who else do you know who’s gone on that long then?’
‘Elton. Rod Stewart. Tom Jones. Barbra Streisand. Cher . . . and none of them feels the need to flash their bits.’
‘I don’t know what you’re getting so het up about anyway. If she does get it out you won’t see it from here — the screens are tiny. And even if you do, it won’t be real!’
Goodness — the perils of watching ageing rockers in concert.
You’d sort of hope that, for the over-50s, nipple-flashing, mooning, crotch-grabbing (and thrusting) and endless ‘****ing this’, ‘****ing that’ would be a distant memory. But no.
So far on her current tour, Madonna has sworn like a trooper, shared her very pink right nipple with her audience in Istanbul and superimposed a swastika on the face of French Right-wing leader Marine le Pen on a background video at her concert in Paris last week.
In London, she kicked off with an array of toy guns and leather bondage outfits, a backdrop of fake splattered blood, a pair of impossibly heaving (but still just covered) bosoms and a lot of snarling a song’s refrain: ‘See you in hell, bitch!’ How charming.
As a staunch Madonna fan, I am the first to say she looks amazing (for her age) — teeny-weeny, fit and lithe and hard and with huge Barbarella hair, albeit with a weirdly smooth face that doesn’t look quite like her any more.

 

But even I have to admit there’s something ever so slightly uncomfortable about watching a 53-year-old surgically enhanced mother-of-four crawling, boobs bursting, across the stage.
Thirty years ago, Madonna Ciccone was the ‘coolest woman in the world’ — the greatest female rock icon ever.

Gyrating and crotches: There was too much grabbing of her own and her young dancers' crotches, including here with toyboy Brahmin Zaibat, for a 53-year-old woman, the writer says

She was fearless, provocative, sexy and incredibly talented, and inspired generations of girls — and young gay men — to believe they could do anything and be anything, too. Twenty years ago, she was still cool. Even ten years ago, she was pretty hot.
Today, she is not. (Tuesday’s concert — her first in London since 2009 — failed to sell out and seats remain for tonight’s arena show in Birmingham and Saturday’s performance at Edinburgh’s Murrayfield Stadium.)

Madonna bears her fishnet-covered behind during Tuesday night's concert at Hyde Park

And no matter how many expletives she uses, crotches she grabs, nipples she flashes or millions of hours she spends obsessively honing her extraordinary body with yoga, Pilates, weird diets (and cosmetic surgery), she isn’t likely to be cool again any time soon.
Indeed, just one look at the audience — a wonderfully warm and friendly sea of shaven-headed men in tight T-shirts and turquoise wellies, and middle-aged women drinking warm white wine — shows just how not cool she is.
As one fan put it: ‘Ninety per cent are gay men and the rest middle-aged women in cowboy hats, what could be more fun?’
I’d put it more even than that, with a smattering of loyal husbands dragged along, and an average age of about 40.
All of which make for a strong smell of cologne and a lot of hugging, kissing and reminiscing about misspent youth.
Old friends Karen, 32, Yvonne, 40, Emma, 32, and Sarah, 32, from Birmingham have come in fancy dress representing their favourite Madonna songs.
‘We came on the Tube like this — we felt pretty stupid,’ says Karen (Into The Groove) Roberts.
‘We thought more people would dress up. I like the old songs. But I bet she won’t play them. Rock stars never do, do they?
‘But it’s what we want to hear. We’re not really bothered about hearing any new stuff.’
But Madonna’s having none of it.
That’s the most irritating thing about these ageing rockers. They won’t, or can’t, accept that what their fans really want to hear is their back catalogue.
She’s put so much effort into appearing young, ‘now’ and groovy that she’s no intention of just turning up and playing her classics.

Madonna's body was on display for most of the night with the pop-icon popping her puppies in a leopard bra

The superstar then dressed down to a lacy bra during her performance of hit Express Yourself where she, yet again, got close to her young, male and half-naked dancers

So she churns out eight songs from her new album, for some reason apparently shouts: ‘I love Poland’, and taunts us with five-second teasers of old hits Holiday, Lucky Star and Ray Of Light. It doesn’t help that the sound quality is very poor.
Madonna has four children ranging from five to 15, two ex-husbands, a lover 28 years her junior and an estimated fortune of £400 million. She doesn’t need the money or hassle of touring.
She’d be forgiven for putting her bondage gear in the cupboard, turning her gym into a home cinema and letting a bit of flab settle on her rock-hard buttocks and minuscule thighs. ‘But I think she needs the fix,’ says Jackie from Staines. ‘She’s addicted to it.’
So instead, she works and tours and works and tours, joining the ever-burgeoning ranks of rock ’n’ roll seniors’ tours.
The tour is expected to generate £500 million in revenue. The Rolling Stones earned more than half a billion dollars between 2005 and 2007 for their last tour, ‘A Bigger Bang’.
And then there’s the merchandise. In rainy Hyde Park, tour T-shirts cost up to £35. A beanie hat? £20.
Madonna’s latest book was £40 and a mug was £15. A bank of cash machines was handily situated next to the merchandise stall.

The crowd in the beginning of the evening in Hyde Park, London on Tuesday which was her first concert in the capital since 2009

Meanwhile, back on stage, she’s gyrating again with a troop of men in berets in a set-piece that bears an unfortunate resemblance to a very silly scene from BBC sitcom ’Allo ’Allo.
Her ‘sexiest’ number — Express Yourself — leaves a funny taste. Madge in a lacy bra and not much else. A body to die for, her tummy flat and toned.
Blessedly, both bosoms remain covered this time. But just as we think we’re out of the woods, she turns round, bends over and exposes a very white slice of fish-netted bottom. Oh dear.
After 30 years, this relentless provocation is a tad tiring.  
If anything it was a relief when at 10.30pm on the dot (to placate the Westminster Council noise police), she grabbed her crotch one last time, yelled: ‘Thank you very ****ing much’ and it was over.
Until next time, when she’ll be aged 60, or worse.